December 2023

Making Lemons Out of Lemonade
By Hugh Jass, Staff Reporter

“Go ahead, Dad, tell him why the looooong face,” Avery quipped in response to my question. A comment that drew a grumble from JD, “Hilarious, Aves. Way to mock my pain!”

In a wide-ranging interview with the Davids – intended to chronicle what any observer would have considered a banner year for the family – I was stunned to walk into a room ablaze in patriarchal negativity. I pointed out that in 2023, Shelly and JD celebrated 30 extraordinary years of joy-filled marriage while witnessing their kids pile on one milestone after another (at least, that’s how JD termed it…Shelly merely rolled her eyes and left the room to do something productive).

Among their four children, there was a wedding, the purchase of a new home, a college graduation, and a couple of new jobs. They even managed to cut expenses and are now down to just a single child on their payroll. “Seriously, what’s not to love about a year like that??” I exclaimed, still in shock by the lack of paternal gratitude.

“Jowls,” JD whispered…staring into his hands with vapid eyes, clearly fighting off tears. “JOWLS!!

“Just when I thought I was out...THEY PULLED ME BACK IN!"

-Michael Corleonne

Shelly just sort of stumbled on it one day – buried deep within the foot-high pile of schoolbooks and dirty college sweatshirts lining the bedroom floor. I doubt she even realized what it was at first. But once she did, I am sure it rocked her to the core. Yes, our worst fears were finally confirmed.

 
A full-blown escape plan!

HOW TO COVID

 

 LOCKED-DOWN WITH THE DAVIDS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chat
Avery:   BeeeeelllllllllccccCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Avery:   Ahhhhhhh…did you hear that??
Jesse:   Gross. I heard that all the way in the other room. 
Shelly:   She was just quoting the movie “Elf” (AGAIN!). Seriously, Avery - that all you got?
Shelly:   Scoop of chocolate, scoop of vanilla. Don’t waste my time...
Jake:   That’s just as easy. “City Slickers!!”
JD:   The silver lining in this COVID mess is all the time we get to spend together!
JD:   Although another month of the Movie Quote game and even I will be sick of it.
Jesse:   Actually, the best part of COVID, was when Mom eliminated the drinking age at home.
Peyton:   You do make some fine margaritas, Jesse.
Avery:   Well…that and the online shopping.
JD:   Just because you girls memorized the VISA number doesn’t mean you can shop at will!
Shelly:   I have taught them well, haven't I?
Peyton:   Thank goodness I am not trapped at home with Dad like you guys are! 
Avery: That reminds me, Jake - u promised to show me how to solder Dad’s office doors shut.
Peyton:   Mom and Dad – why are you on separate computers?
Shelly:   I'm social distancing.
Jake:   She’s been "social distancing" from Dad long before COVID.
Shelly:   All things being equal, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.
Jake:   “Die Hard.”
Jake:   I’ve got a lot of things to say about 2020. None are particularly family-friendly, though.
Shelly:   Agreed. Here's to 2021 being a much more quotable year!

 

GOOD RIDDANCE 2020!!
       HELLO 2021!
 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

 

Observations from the Bottom

Pssst. Hey, it’s me – Jesse. JD’s fifteen-year-old. Don’t say anything. I’ve hijacked his annual letter. After 20 years, the thing was getting pretty tired. Definitely time for some fresh blood.

Besides, with Jake, Peyton, and Avery all out of the house now, I don’t have much else going on anyway.

Really, how hard can it be? These “holiday letters” as he calls them, seem to be mostly fiction anyway. I know politicians less delusional than my dad. And given all of the “Pinocchio-ing” he’s done at my expense over the last few years, it’s about time that I set the record straight on a few things.

The One Child Left Behind

Helmet or bubble wrap? Helmet or bubble wrap...

I’m trying to figure out Jesse’s Hanukkah gift this year and it comes down to a shiny new Riddell football helmet – or a full bubble wrap body suit. 

I wouldn’t have considered either of these if it wasn’t for a gift that I gave her a long, long time ago. The gift of highly-flawed DNA. Heredity is a fickle thing apparently. Despite being blessed with most of our best traits – Shelly’s looks and Shelly’s brains – Jesse somehow got stuck with my feeble excuse for motor coordination. It’s really the only way that we can explain her dozen or so trips to the hospital over the last few years. 
 

Jake’s assessment, “A baby giraffe in heels is less clumsy than you, JD. I’m still scratching my head over how you got into that little incident with the ATV a few years back.”  

SERIOUSLY?? You crash one 4-wheeler into one telephone pole one time and you’re labeled for life. 

How bad could it have been anyway? I hardly even remember it.

All Work and No Play

 “This ‘adulting’ thing is great - but man is it stressful!”

- Jake barely one month into his career

Yep – Jake graduated college in April and is now officially nothing more than a labor statistic. Just another train-riding, chino-wearing, backpack carrying software developer for Capital One.

I joke, but the job actually sounds pretty sweet. And they certainly take far better care of him than we ever did. He’s got medical, dental, 401K match, paid vacation and discounts to sporting events. But more important than any of that…access to free food!! Lots and lots of free food. As a matter of fact, there was one month where he almost got by without spending a dime of his own money to eat.

It’s like he’s become me. But better!   

 

With the first one down, it got us to wondering about the likely vocational prospects of the others.  

Let’s start with Jesse. She’s the youngest but her career path is far and away the most clear cut. You can pretty much bank on it being a straight line between 8^th grade graduation and law school. Seriously - any profession that permits you (and actually pays you!) to have opinions, argue those opinions and then cut deals if your opinions aren’t strong enough, is an absolute dream job for her.

Case in point - planning her Bat Mitzvah party a few months back. Our initial “deal” was for a modest gathering. You know…a couple of family members and some of her closest friends.

Turns out that she somehow has 90 “closest” friends. 

Just Can't Seem to Get it Right...

Behind Every Angry Woman, Stands a Man Who

Has Absolutely No Idea What He Did Wrong

- Random Facebook Meme

I was wrong.

Correction: She was right, I was wrong. Again.

Whew! Feels good to get that off my chest. Call it pride. Call it ego. Call it hubris. Doesn't matter. I finally manned up and admitted it.

Okay…if I’m being totally honest - maybe I am not really the sad victim I like to portray.  There is some small chance that even Mother Teresa would tire of my nonsense if she had to live with it for more than a couple of decades. If anyone is on their way to sainthood, it’s Shelly. So, yes – it’s me, not her.

However, on those rare occasions that it is actually her and not me…well, I’ve come to accept that there is an order in nature and no amount of willful stubbornness on my part will ever change that.

For instance, take the “double standard.” I get it. Not everything in a marriage is equal. It’s the part about logic being irrelevant that I have always had a tough time dealing with.

But it finally hit me - and all it took was a single tube of toothpaste. Yes, that’s right toothpaste – which she found sitting on my bathroom vanity a few days in a row (twelve days, actually).  Literally, it was the only thing on my bathroom vanity.  When I politely – and ever so meekly, approached her about the eyeliner, blow dryer, scrunchies, elegantly framed silhouette of George Clooney, two empty tubes of toothpaste and crumpled receipt on her own vanity, she said in that sweet voice I fell in love with so many years ago to, “WORRY ABOUT YOUR OWN #$%@ STUFF” and then stormed off to watch reruns of E/R on Netflix.

Simple misunderstanding. 

Two Down…Two to Go

She actually said it! Although inaudible to the untrained ear – to me, the sound was deafening.

DEAF-A-NING!!.

“I really don’t enjoy going to the mall anymore. I actually find it quite exhausting.”

Before it even registered, I was landing my second pirouette. Nose in the air, smile wide across my face and both feet off the ground. Simultaneously. Picture Snoopy on amphetamines.

I was dancing so hard, I nearly missed the fireworks exploding overhead and the symphony of harp-playing angels as they paraded on by.

And then...the first Zappos statement hit.

Ohhhhh, the humanity!

Shelly became very tight with the UPS delivery guy…very quickly. Monthly visits became weekly. Weekly visits became daily. Daily visits with Tim began including afternoon tea.

Meanwhile, Kohl’s has become increasingly despondent. Target – completely confused, sent a Get Well bouquet and Costco guided down earnings due to what it characterized as “disappointing regional sales.”

Will Work For Food

December 2014

The wall is coming fast!  Bracing for impact!!

We should have known this was coming.  It was inevitable.  If only I had done more to prepare her.  Sad to watch an illustrious career as it comes to an end. 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a performance thing.  By no means is she a “has been”.  Actually quite the opposite – Shelly’s undoubtedly a first ballot Hall of Famer.  It’s just that the job she assumed over 19 years ago - a role that absolutely no one else wanted at the time, will soon be obsolete.  We keep checking the classifieds for “Experienced Mom Wanted” ads…but nothing.

Back in the day when we were getting ripped out of deep sleep to change a diaper, she would have given anything for them to take care of themselves.  Now we’re faced with the opposite – (nearly) independent children.  The shock hit late last year shortly after Jake deserted us for college.  Probably about the time when Peyton started learning to drive….

Gone...But Forgotten

December 2013

All of the toilet seats are in their down and locked positions, dance equipment has replaced the pool table in the basement and feminine care products now litter our home.

Jake has gone off to college and I am a trapped in a house full of women.  

Gone…but forgotten

Seeing him off was a miserable day.  But everyone handles change differently…

Peyton, squeezing back the tears and hugging him tightly wailed, "I am going to miss you!  We will visit often!"  

Avery, sobbing uncontrollably cried, "I will send you care packages every week.  I promise!"

Jesse, skipping merrily in circles… "Who gets your Xbox??  How about your room?  Can I have your room?"

Three months later - there have been exactly zero inquiries about flying to Michigan to see Jake.  Cookies were baked… and then consumed (at home).  

But the room has been a source of controversy.  The closet is suddenly full of ladies garments and handbags – which I am pretty sure aren’t his.  Blush, lip stuff and eye gunk are scattered across the bathroom counter (which I’m also pretty sure aren’t his) and the police have checked in twice responding to unconfirmed reports of squatting activity in the bedroom.  No one has come forth to claim responsibility but an entire community of stuffed animals has now inhabited the place.  

I am guessing that Jake may notice some changes when he returns… 

SO RANDOM!!!

An arbitrary selection of random experiences

December 2012

Shelly got our year started with a “playful” surprise – Maggie.  A two month old, highly caffeinated rescue puppy.  One-quarter Black Lab / three-quarters havoc-wreaking Gremlin. 

Remember Gremlins, the movie?  Clever green monsters that destroy everything.  Chaos EVERYWHERE…

Amateurs compared to Maggie.

Here is an excerpt from an early text exchange between Shelly and me (Maggie – Day Two):

#Grumpy:  What do you mean, it came with fleas??

#Most_tolerant_woman_in_the_world: That just means she’s popular!  J

#Grumpy:…And it’s burrowing craters in the yard! 

#Grumpy: So much damage.  Soooo quickly!

#Grumpy: Must. Close. Eyes.

#Most_tolerant_woman_in_the_world:  She can’t help it, she’s just a puppy!  Isn’t she adorable?

#Grumpy:  Did you see that it ate my sunglasses!!

#Most_tolerant_woman_in_the_world:  Next time you’ll know better.  When you leave them out she thinks they are a toy to play with.  Isn’t her coat just beautiful?

#Grumpy:  Leave them out?  Really??  They were on the top shelf and the door was closed!!

#Most_tolerant_woman_in_the_world:  See how resourceful she is!  How lucky are we!!

Shelly says that Maggie should calm down by the time she turns seven.  So we’ve got that going for us...

Pandemonium!

 

Pandemonium: a place or scene of riotous uproar or utter chaos; unrestrained disorder

While the Occupy Wall Street movement has gotten some ink over the past few months, Shelly and I have been besieged by the “Occupy David Household” movement for over 16 years!  And sadly, we have gotten absolutely pummeled in the uprising. 

Sure, Jake’s initial insurgence weakened our defenses.  The real trouble, though, didn’t begin until he brought in his reinforcements.  Peyton’s push into the teenage years has been particularly destabilizing – as she has single-handedly changed the family dynamics around electronic communication and pounds of make-up per square inch.  Avery has been disruptive in a different way – provoking infighting by cleverly pitting her siblings against one another while somehow appearing innocent in the process.  And then of course, Jesse… seemingly born with two mouths and one ear, she promptly learned to announce her presence with authority. 

And now she just keeps on announcing it…

Who you callin' an embarrassment?

Hi - my name is JD… and I am a complete embarrassment.  This is my wife, Shelly.  She is also an embarrassment – but sadly, too ashamed to admit it.

I am not cool and I am not witty.  I am not clever and I am not wise.  Just a downright embarrassment…

But that's okay - because I have you.  And you are all embarrassments, too.  It’s about time you just accepted it.  If you have a teenage kid, you are suffocating them with embarrassment and it needs to stop!

Fortunately, I will rise again - back to the glory days of “coolness” that I once enjoyed.  I am so certain of it – I can even give you the exact dates that this will occur - from October 28, 2011 until April 28, 2012.  No, I am not psychic - that is when Jake will be working toward a driver's license and I will once again become his "chosen one".  That’s right…the object of his total affection.  That will be the time that I can do no wrong.   

But man, will I try...

So Proud...

It wasn't the little nudge or the gentle hint - it was more the two-handed push with the foot in the back that got me back to work.

I mean – who are we kidding...I was completely in Shelly's way being home all last year.  Either that or Shelly was just feeling threatened by my mad “Mom skills”. Make beds – check.  Make breakfast – check.  Put the needs of the kids over my own – hmm…maybe some men just shouldn’t be Moms.

Poor kids, too...nag about homework, nag about doing chores and being “productive”.  Nag about rubbing my feet and filing my corns…no tears were shed on my way out.

Being gone most of the day, I would expect coming home that the kids would be tackling me when I walk in the door each night – hugs and kisses galore. But really, at their ages, that ship has sailed.  Pretty soon, we will be down to polite acknowledgements and handshakes.  Avery has officially told me that she no longer accepts kisses.  Jesse won’t be far behind. Jake is a bit better – with him, at least I get high 5’s and bro’ hugs. 

I am thinking about undoing the thing I had soldered shut after Jesse was born...

Jake Saves the Day!

 

Thank goodness for Jake....

Had he not devised a new family business model, the David’s were looking at a major downsizing initiative in 2009.  Everything was up for consideration, too – including spinning-off the dogs and possibly returning one of the girls to the factory for a partial refund (I think Jesse is still covered under the original warranty – we still have all of the packaging).  The fact is, with Shelly as CEO, costs - particularly on footwear and handbags, had spiraled out of control.

Yup’ - Jake's Bar Mitzvah “scheme” has paid off handsomely.  As part of our restructuring effort, we will be holding Bar Mitzvahs weekly going forward until our friends start to catch on.  After that, we will be holding them monthly.  Jesse will stay with us for now but I am not sure about the dogs (see below).  Shelly’s shoe collection is now listed on eBay.

About the Bar Mitzvah – he was spectacular and cool as a cucumber.  

AAAGGGHHHH...TEENAGERHOOD!!

 

So...Jake turned twelve this year.  I guess it’s about time for us to face reality.  “Teenagerhood” has nearly arrived - and it’s not going away FOR ANOTHER FIFTEEN YEARS!! Soon we will be hit with a barrage of hormones, zits, piercing(s), break-ups, make-ups, Bar Mitzvahs, Bat Mitzvahs, braces, puberty, driver’s ed, bad hair days, and of course, the constant battle over what to wear!!  Two words:

HOLY @#&%!! (and you thought this was going to be just another G-rated holiday letter).

 

Lost in Shelly's Closet

 

You know what they tell me is really cool?  Sleep...
 

It’s not the three C’s that get us (Carpooling, Cleaning and Catering), it’s the mind games the kids play that really wear us down.  For instance, those times when Shelly would spend hours making dinner but not get any response at all to the question of, “are you absolutely, positively, unequivocally sure there is nothing else you want for dinner?” until after she sits down to eat.  Thirty minutes of that will do in anyone.  I would help her but I am too busy waiting for my food.

Jesse is the queen of the mind game.  First, she NEVER sleeps.  She loves to stay up late and “shop” in Shelly's closet rather than going to bed.   Thank goodness for video surveillance cameras – a kid could get lost in there.  There are nights when every single one of Shelly's 218 pairs of shoes is spread out across our floor.  Other nights we just find her asleep in the purse aisle or eating at the mini café.

Partners in Crime

 

There’s only one word to describe our year: LOUD!!! 

Spend a day at the David house and you will feel like you spent a week at the zoo.  In this place, the smaller the animal, the louder they seem to be.  While Jake is like a stoic, protective gorilla, Jesse is like a screechy, wall-climbing chimpanzee.   Not sure how to describe the sound that Avery makes – it’s like part monkey, part shrieking owl.  Peyton is a little unique…she can be thought of more as the dancing bear looking to entertain than any sort of primate.

And then there’s Tahoe…we adopted him this spring after Winston passed away.  He fits in perfectly – particularly, if you are into cute and unruly.  Personally, I thought that was Jesse's job.  After 8 months with us, he STILL only answers to the name @$#&%.

Goodbye Mini Cooper!

Big year for us – we added an 8 pound girl and an 80 pound boy to the family.   The girl, of course, is Jesse…the boy is Winston – a four year old, golden retriever. 

It’s surprising how similar the two of them are.  Neither cares about where they sleep, what they put in their mouths or where they poop. Jesse is now 8 months old and is truly wonderful.  She crawls, she sits up, she waves and she loves to smile.  As far as Winston is concerned – great pet…mellow, fun loving and awesome with the kids.  Far and away the best fetch player in the house.

So, other than those small changes, things are relatively the same. 

The reality is, taking care of five others plus an animal is a big job (so I hear – wouldn’t know first hand).  Having a bigger family has forced us to make to some tough choices.  For instance, Shelly has given up on her dream of owning a Mini Cooper or ever reading for pleasure again.  I have come to realize that watching SpongeBob really is more enjoyable then the World Series.  Also, now that Shelly has decided to donate my golf clubs and skis to charity, I have more free time.  Of course, our little growth spurt has allowed us to realize several unexpected benefits. We always get to drive in the HOV lanes and Shelly has mastered the ability to juggle, outsource and multitask all at the same time.  I am also pretty sure that the eyes in the back of her head have developed peripheral vision – ‘cause, man, I can’t get away with anything anymore. 

Oh, I Just Thought You Were Getting Fat

 

“It’s tough being a single mom with FOUR small children”

- My dad in reference to my apparent inability to   behave like an adult.

Even though I haven’t matured into a responsible parent, Shelly has given me one more shot.   She is due in April with another baby and we are very excited.  As our friend Bart said when he heard….”you guys gotta’ get something tied!”

        

What really amazes us is that we were able to manage this feat despite all of Avery’s efforts to keep us apart.  You see, she usually sleeps between us horizontally and we can’t seem to get rid of her.    

New Year’s resolution number one - buy Avery her own bed.  New Year’s resolution number two….see Bart’s comments above. 

A Glimpse into the Future

Happy Holidays!! The kids are constantly changing and continue to keep us on our toes.  They are now getting to the ages where their personalities are leading us to get a good sense of their future careers.  We just thought we would share a glimpse of what may be to come… Avery (a.k.a. “Wild Thing”) - Stunt Pilot / High Wire Performer  She is only 20 months old but it is clear to us that she is a world class multi-tasker.  Not only can she balance on one foot perched atop a highchair while drinking a bottle and doing her crazy wiggle dance, she can do it in such a stealth manner that her parents don’t hear her until after she cracks her head on the floor.  Shelly and I are really hoping that her big brother or sister decides to become a cardiovascular surgeon because this kid is going to give one of us a heart attack.  In the meantime, we got her a helmet and crash pads for Hanukkah.

Is Shelly Really Out of a Job?

 

Happy Holidays!!

We just wanted to share some of the good things that we experienced in 2001.  It has been a busy time for us both personally and professionally. 

Avery is nearly nine months and is just amazing.  She is extremely independent and always flashing her beautiful 3 tooth smile….she gets lots of attention and is adored by her older siblings.  But the fact is, being the third child, she would have to attempt to juggle knives before she could elicit concerns from us - a far cry from when Jake was that age.    A cough out of him would send us scrambling to the hospital.