Pandemonium!

 

Pandemonium: a place or scene of riotous uproar or utter chaos; unrestrained disorder

While the Occupy Wall Street movement has gotten some ink over the past few months, Shelly and I have been besieged by the “Occupy David Household” movement for over 16 years!  And sadly, we have gotten absolutely pummeled in the uprising. 

Sure, Jake’s initial insurgence weakened our defenses.  The real trouble, though, didn’t begin until he brought in his reinforcements.  Peyton’s push into the teenage years has been particularly destabilizing – as she has single-handedly changed the family dynamics around electronic communication and pounds of make-up per square inch.  Avery has been disruptive in a different way – provoking infighting by cleverly pitting her siblings against one another while somehow appearing innocent in the process.  And then of course, Jesse… seemingly born with two mouths and one ear, she promptly learned to announce her presence with authority. 

And now she just keeps on announcing it…

  

The kids have expressed multiple concerns over perceived inequalities within the family.  As Peyton delicately explained, “it’s not that you completely suck at being parents, it’s just that you would be more effective if you nagged less and agreed to more.”

With Jake feverishly planning his exit strategy in less than two years, the kids thought it about time to stop picketing and try a more business-like approach.  So they decided to institute their first formal Annual Family Performance Review to see if they can shed some light on things.  

Below are excerpts from Jake’s 360˚ review of his peers and managers.  Seems that Shelly and I are not their only “problem”.
 

Excerpts from Jake's 360˚ family review - 2011
Jesse	Disobedient and high-pitched.  For some reason insists on being extra loud when Peyton and Avery are not around.  It’s really true – the devil comes in all kinds of forms…
Avery	My favorite – she annoys me the least.
Peyton	Unproductive in the office – seems distracted by boys.  For a price, I can have her boyfriend eliminated.
Tahoe	Really the perfect colleague – does exactly what I tell him.  Could teach us all a thing or two about cleaning dishes.
Mom	Makes great sandwiches.  Other than being a little “yell-ie”, really not bad.  I truly enjoy watching her in her natural habitat (the kitchen).
Dad	Lame!  Way too pre-occupied with his computer.  For a price, I can have that thing eliminated.

And here are excerpts from everyone else’s 360˚ review of Jake.

Excerpts from family 360˚ review of Jake - 2011
Jesse	That boy is my brother?  I just thought he was some kid that came over to play our video games.
Avery	He’s driving??  Hellooooo MALL!!
Peyton	this page intentionally left blank
Tahoe	Needs work on “stay” and “rollover”.  Shouldn’t he be rubbing my belly right now?
Mom	The kid will do anything for the right food.  Sucker…
Dad	My favorite – he annoys me the least.

Needless to say, the annual review process has yielded few actionable results. 

I think that the kids reluctantly learned through this process that we are not quite the perfect parents they deserve (after all, we were complete novices when we started).  We also learned that they are not utterly faultless either.  Some random examples:

They procrastinate on homework and then argue they didn’t have time to finish. They put spoiled milk back in the refrigerator after chewing us out for allowing spoiled milk to be in the refrigerator.  They change the channel just as the game winning shot is released, use words like, “shun” and ask why we got married because, “marriage doesn’t look all that fun.”  They bring their faces to their food.

The fact that, “I’ll think about it” can actually mean “no” is baffling to them.

Armed with nothing but a paper clip and a butter knife, they can somehow find birthday gifts buried deep in the crawlspace.  But…even when supplied with a compass, step-by-step directions and a military-caliber navigation system, they are still unable to locate the laundry room.  

They still repeat everything we say word for word at family gatherings (“I don’t think that you have gotten as fat as my dad says…”).  

None of them has yet bowled consecutive 300 games, been scouted by the Cubs or figured out how to make 30 minute brownies in 20 minutes. And it has not gone unnoticed that James Franco has never reenacted any of their most harrowing experiences in a biographical drama.   He hasn’t even considered a made for TV comedy.

But…mixed in with all of that, there are some rays of sunshine:

Jesse still knows how to use sentences that end in “y” (“daddy”), scores very high on the AQ (adorable quotient) and may have a shot at becoming a pro hugger – because she is unbelievably good at it.  She skips a lot, still drinks with two hands and has beaten the entire family at Monopoly with just a flashlight to see by.  She has two adult teeth.  She occasionally does her homework without being asked and can cantor on a horse. 

Avery could be the most conscientious person on the planet – she nurtures her sister and takes care of the elderly in distress (Shelly). She gives me foot massages without holding her nose or requiring money to be exchanged for services rendered.  She can braid hair.  She is nice to everyone and has more friends than pairs of shoes – which is not easy in this family.  She reads a ton, loves to hip hop, is athletic and actually has a sense of fashion (chalk one up for Shelly!).  She can do a backflip.

Despite being saddled with my singing voice, Peyton absolutely crushed it at her Bat Mitzvah this year.  She is active in everything and says “yes” to nearly anyone that needs a favor.  She drags us far and wide in pursuit of her passion (soccer) and we would go further if she asked.  Small animals trust her. She occasionally referees Jesse’s soccer games and has yet to give Jess a yellow card.   Some of her pranks are actually funny.

Jake has set a family record for consecutive honor roll awards and does all of his homework without any form of bribery being required.  He now occasionally steps out of his room for something other than food.  Not only has he outgrown me, he has more than doubled my vertical leap.  He has attended at least one of each of his sister’s soccer games this year and has once offered to miss a high school social activity to babysit for us when we were in a bind.  He hugged me last week for no reason.

Bottom-line: they out-number us but with effort, it turns out that they can be tamed.  For what it’s worth, the Allstate “Mayhem” guy is visiting this weekend.  The poor fella’ doesn’t stand a chance... 

Looking forward to a chaos-free 2012!

Jon, Shelly, Jake, Peyton, Avery & Jesse

Note: Some of the above has been fabricated.  Do you really think that Avery could touch my feet without gagging? 

BTW the past 10 years of partial-truths are now online at: justrookieswhenwestarted.blogspot.com (“just rookies when we started”).