Who you callin' an embarrassment?

Hi - my name is JD… and I am a complete embarrassment.  This is my wife, Shelly.  She is also an embarrassment – but sadly, too ashamed to admit it.

I am not cool and I am not witty.  I am not clever and I am not wise.  Just a downright embarrassment…

But that's okay - because I have you.  And you are all embarrassments, too.  It’s about time you just accepted it.  If you have a teenage kid, you are suffocating them with embarrassment and it needs to stop!

Fortunately, I will rise again - back to the glory days of “coolness” that I once enjoyed.  I am so certain of it – I can even give you the exact dates that this will occur - from October 28, 2011 until April 28, 2012.  No, I am not psychic - that is when Jake will be working toward a driver's license and I will once again become his "chosen one".  That’s right…the object of his total affection.  That will be the time that I can do no wrong.   

But man, will I try...

Embarrassing my kids is actually a hobby.  Some people like to collect stamps, others build model airplanes...I choose to embarrass my children.  It is just who I am.  Besides, we haven’t even begun to get them back for making us buy that minivan a few years ago. 

What is most satisfying is embarrassing my girls in front of would-be suitors.  I used to try threatening the boys with talk of machetes and shotguns, strutting out the Dobermans and even discussing my past war crimes…but embarrassment seems to work so much better.  

Simple stuff really – like giving the girls big sloppy hugs in public, discussing recent shopping trips for lingerie or bad experiences with zit cream...  I also enjoy spraying their Facebook walls with favorite pet names – like Pookie-bear and Snookums. With the really stubborn boys, though, we find ourselves singing annoying showtunes in a high-pitched nasally squeal or inviting them to join us for Bat Mitzvah training.  This month’s class…  “30 Days to a More Powerful Hava Nagila”.  We meet every day right after school, if you are interested. 

This is our tenth annual holiday letter.  So by now, I would guess that people have come to realize that we are a completely functional family with absolutely no idiosyncrasies.  With that in mind, we thought a little quiz would be in order to see how much about us you have retained:

1). Is it wrong to wish laryngitis on your own kids (in a responsible and caring way, of course)?  If okay, for how long?

1. An hour
2. A day
3. A week

2). Who is the safest to wake out of a deep sleep?

1. Brown Bear out of hibernation
2. Mountain lion on a starvation diet
3. Peyton on any given school day
4. None of the above without risking Loss of an appendage or two

3). Where are you allowed to be seen in public with your teenage child?           

1. A very dark movie
2. Picking-up from a friend’s after a late night party (parked around the corner, of course)
3. Absolutely nowhere!  WHat Are you new??

4). Which best describes Jesse’s energy level?

1. That’s easy she is a calm child with sparkling blue eyes, flowing blond hair and a loving hug that can warm even an Eskimo’s heart
2. A wild chimpanzee just out of captivity
3. A rabid dog after tearing through a six pack of Red Bull

5). How long is “just a sec…” in teenage time?  

1. Exactly one second
2. It depends…One second if they are doing homework, one minute if they have some place they want to be…and one hour if they are putting on make-up
   
   

6). How many people does it take to make dinner when Shelly is out?  

1. Jon can do it himself, he is an excellent cook
2. The children work as a group to make a nutritious and quite tasty meal
3. Exactly five – Jon to make the call, one guy to take the order, one guy to prepare the pizza, one guy to cut and box it, and one GUY to deliver it 

7). What is the most effective way to elicit information from your children?

1. Politely ask, “how was your day, honey?”
2. Inquire about the results of their most recent exam
3. Threaten to hide their computer, playstation and cell phone, de-activate their Facebook account, remove their bedroom door and confiscate their hair gel.  Wait a week or two and maybe they will share something of moderate interest….

8). How do you know when Tahoe’s excessive eating has finally gotten… well…excessive?

1. Shelly can no longer wheelbarrow him into the car
2. It takes him multiple seatings to “wash” the dinner dishes
3. we can temporarily un-padlock the trash Cans
4. he requires a stepstool to counter-surf for food
5. all of the above

Oh no…I’ve said too much – please disregard everything that you have read to this point.  We are a completely normal family and simply wrote to wish you a happy holiday season and a very normal New Year.

JD, Shelly, Jake, Peyton, Avery and Jesse