Two Down…Two to Go

She actually said it! Although inaudible to the untrained ear – to me, the sound was deafening.

DEAF-A-NING!!.

“I really don’t enjoy going to the mall anymore. I actually find it quite exhausting.”

Before it even registered, I was landing my second pirouette. Nose in the air, smile wide across my face and both feet off the ground. Simultaneously. Picture Snoopy on amphetamines.

I was dancing so hard, I nearly missed the fireworks exploding overhead and the symphony of harp-playing angels as they paraded on by.

And then...the first Zappos statement hit.

Ohhhhh, the humanity!

Shelly became very tight with the UPS delivery guy…very quickly. Monthly visits became weekly. Weekly visits became daily. Daily visits with Tim began including afternoon tea.

Meanwhile, Kohl’s has become increasingly despondent. Target – completely confused, sent a Get Well bouquet and Costco guided down earnings due to what it characterized as “disappointing regional sales.”

Years back, even before Shelly dedicated her life to becoming, “the most complete shopper that I can be,” we worried about our kids following in her footsteps. It’s been all good…up until recently. But then…BAM! Peyton saw a sweater she liked…then some shoes – and suddenly, she was hooked.

However, unlike her mother, she shops with focus. And recently her focus has been all about shopping for colleges. She has taken particular interest in the Big 10 Conference. So much so, she applied to it.

That is correct – she likes the Big 10 so much, she applied to the ENTIRE Conference (almost).

Her first comment was, “I am leaning toward Ohio State, JD” (I am now “JD” to them. Except for Jesse who calls me “daddy.” On occasion. When she wants something…or is in trouble).

Jake’s response was quite reasonable. “Leaning toward OSU, huh?? JD, tell her that I’m leaning toward…NO EFFING WAY!!! And she will rescind that application to Michigan State, too.”

Now, I wouldn’t describe a meal at our house as particularly civil anyway. Pigs at a trough have better manners. Around here, napkins are to dinner settings as parsley is to a nice meal – garnish. They’re for decoration only with no functional purpose. Knives are the same. Why cut your meat when you can stab it with your fork and eat it on a stick? Everything is like a corn dog to them.

But the thought of dinner with Jake in his Michigan garb, Peyton wearing OSU and Shelly and me dressed in IU stuff is horrifying. Easily justifies a switch to plastic cutlery – probably spoons only.

Despite this, Peyton has decided it’s important to repair her legacy with the rest of us before she goes off to school. It’s an uphill climb after years of family neglect. But ya’ gotta’ respect the effort.

She started early in the year, inviting me to run a marathon with her. Understand that I practically have to bribe them just to be seen in public with me anymore so you can imagine my excitement to find an activity that I could spend four six consecutive hours with any of my kids.

I naturally responded, “HELL, NO!!” Who needs to be in that kind of pain?? She convinced me to do it for her cousin’s charity and agreed on just a half marathon.

We immediately set a rigorous training schedule. It involved tremendous research and planning. But… it was cold and kind of dark…and we had our stuff. Don’t get me wrong – we did train that one time.

Still I managed to finish fourth…in the 80 and up age bracket (some of those ladies are really competitive).

Peyton next focused on Jesse. After a short re-introduction, Peyton went headlong into helping her. She drove carpool, babysat, assisted with homework and of course, provided fashion advice.

They occasionally even solicited my input. “Which dress do you prefer on Jesse for her date, JD?”

At the time, Jesse had just turned eleven. ELEVEN!!! After the requisite period of screaming and extensive amounts of stuttering, I let her go on the date. But not until she mastered the sleeper hold.

Poor Cooper was out for hours.

And in Jesse’s darkest hour this year, it was Peyton that she leaned on. Yes, Hamster on Rye, the last of Jesse’s two dozen rodents finally passed. Sad, sad day. It was diagnosed with Deceleration Trauma after someone carelessly left the stairwell door open one too many times. Pey spared no expense handling the funeral arrangements. It included clergy, a full procession and a short bereavement.

Then there was Avery. Resurrecting that situation was a BIG job – particularly since she had previously never officially recognized Avery as a member of the family. Prior to this it was always, “JD – can you ask that girl at the end of the table to pass me some meat on a stick.”

But this year, they both ended up on the high school soccer team together and she was forced into a relationship. That blossomed into a friendship and ended up in kinship. Suddenly, she was driving Avery to school and taking her friends to the mall.

There was even one soccer game where Peyton actually passed the ball to Avery.

And when we had an opportunity to make some real money off of Avery, it was Peyton that talked sense into us. (Partly) true story…while vacationing in Israel this summer with my parents, Avery impressed a local farmer so much that he offered us 10,000 camels in exchange for her. Straight swap. Not to be overly greedy, I countered with 12,000 - but Peyton intercepted the text with a firm rejection.

Who could’ve predicted that? The old Peyton would have given 12,000 camels just for the sport of it. She has really grown.

Speaking of growing…hope you do some of your own next year. Happy 2016!

Jon, Shelly, Jake, Peyton, Avery, Jesse, Maggie and Cooper

BTW, the camel part of the story is actually true. The part about Peyton rejecting an opportunity to rid herself of Avery…well, that part was totally made up.