December 2014
The wall is coming fast! Bracing for impact!!
The wall is coming fast! Bracing for impact!!
We should have known this was coming. It was inevitable. If only I had done more to prepare her. Sad to watch an illustrious career as it comes to an end.
Back in the day when we were getting ripped out of deep sleep to change a diaper, she would have given anything for them to take care of themselves. Now we’re faced with the opposite – (nearly) independent children. The shock hit late last year shortly after Jake deserted us for college. Probably about the time when Peyton started learning to drive….
What is the opposite of driving Miss Daisy?
It’s easy to understand why this was such a “whoa!” moment for Shell – learning to drive is a big milestone in life. Watching a second kid go through the process will make anyone feel old. With Peyton, it made us gray, as well.
The “Ed” part of “Driver’s Ed” is a pretty harrowing experience. Stress and hormones are a toxic combination. At least with Jake I never considered diving out of a moving vehicle.
Apparently, the way they administer the driving test has changed since the time Jake took it (or maybe Peyton’s reputation had just preceded her). It goes like this – first thing the driving instructor does is a full walk around checking the safety of the vehicle. Then he takes a look in the driver side window, breathes deeply and mutters what appears to be “OH, SH*T!!”. He then pops a sedative, makes the sign of the cross and stumbles his way into the passenger’s seat. Then off they go…
Must be a new process.
After the road test - and once the medics finished their exam (they called it a mild heart palpitation - the instructor didn’t even need to be hospitalized), Peyton was awarded her license. First thing she does when returning home – you guessed it…Snapchats a selfie to Jake while sitting in the driver’s seat of his car. He laughed that one off. Different story when he came home for Thanksgiving to the headlight eyelashes and pink colored grille. We are going to be in for a long summer of car sharing…
Socialite in training…
Despite this, I thought Shelly would be okay. Believe it or not, what sent her over the edge was actually Avery.
Avery was always our sweetest (and more importantly), most dependent child. Shelly figured Avery would need her for years and years. Particularly now that her schedule has gotten crazy busy…
Between soccer and social activities, Avery’s calendar has exploded. So much going on, she makes Kim Kardashian look dull. It’s like a warped version of Superman. By day, a mild-mannered kid in cleats and by night, a debutante in heels.
And then one day, Avery walks down the stairs on her way to a party. Make-up, hair, nails…the works. To call what she was wearing a mini-skirt is a total misapplication of the word “mini”. I know that I am in trouble – but for all different reasons than Shelly.
The year of the rodent
It’s been a spiral straight downward from that moment on. Clearly grasping at straws, Shelly hatched a plan to slow the decline…and a questionable plan at that.
Thus begins the story of a hamster and its babies…...and its babies’ babies...And, no joke…its babies’, babies’, babies...
First things first – the name. “Hamster on Rye” failed miserably. Apparently, too graphic. And “Hammy the 8th” flew right past her (she’s ten). Shelly pushed hard for “Puppy Chow” (‘cause with Maggie and Cooper, that’s what it was going to be). But that just pissed Jesse off. Even Peyton and Avery’s idea of “Mia Hamster” didn’t get through. Jess decided to go with a name that had a much deeper personal meaning – Snickers.
So, off they went to the store to pick-up our brand new pet. A 100% guaranteed, very masculine but fully neutered, incapable of reproduction, male hamster.
Which turned out to be female…A pregnant female.
Hence, Hershey, Crunch, Skittles, M&M, Kit Kat and Twix were born. Followed closely by Milky Way, Junior Mint, Milk Dud and Kiss. And then of course, Sour Patch, Goober and Whatchamacallit. After a while, Jesse just got tired of naming them (but not until after I got to welcome, “Hamster on Rye” to the family!)
Our angelic, tail-less little pet, turned out to be a sinful, promiscuous tramp.
Worse than that, though, is that hamsters aren’t even that interesting as pets. Sure, watching them run to exhaustion on a wheel is fun for a bit. Particularly when they slip-off and catch air. And we were really entertained when Jesse and her friend put them in their plastic balls and invited people over for Hamster Races. It was great - they set-up a whole track and everything. Just wish they’d remembered to close the stairwell door.
Everything was under control until one day most of them just somehow disappeared. Hard to explain. All anyone heard was a big flushing sound and then, well…nothing.
Relax – it’s a joke. We have a lot of woods around our house. Seriously, I’m not that evil.
Behind closed doors
I reminded Shelly that even after we are empty nesters, she can always continue taking care of me.
Not looking to make you blush or anything but since that comment, there has been a whole lot more petting going on in the bedroom than I can ever remember.
Every night now, just minutes after the lights go off, I hear her say sweetly, “come over here, baby and snuggle.” The first time I heard that I naturally started to scooch her way. All good until she hollers …, “WHAT THE #$%@ ARE YOU DOING?? You’re going to knock Cooper off the bed!”
Confused (and a bit frightened), I turn on my light and see Coop flat on his back, Shelly scratching his belly, Maggie patiently waiting her turn.
I have yet to come upstairs after Shelly is in bed and not find one of them sprawled out in my spot. “Sorry – too late. He was there first.” So, I’m either relegated to a tiny sliver of mattress, a shared pillow and no sheets…or the foot of the bed (and no sheets). Sometimes our king-sized bed isn’t even big enough to support my left cheek.
Well – at least she’s got them to care of.
Hard to see 2015 getting much better – particularly with Pey going into full college search mode. Who knows - maybe we get lucky and one of the kids slips and accidentally mutters the word, “mommy”. If you come across any, “Help Wanted – Over the Hill Mother Needed” ads, please send them our way.
In the meantime – Happy Holidays!
Jon, Shelly, Jake, Peyton, Avery, Jesse, Maggie, Cooper, Snickers, Crunch, Charleston Chew, Marathon Bar, Hundred Thousand Dollar, Take 5, Pay Day, Krackel and of course, Mia Hamster.