All
of the toilet seats are in their down and locked positions, dance equipment has
replaced the pool table in the basement and feminine care products now litter our
home.
Jake
has gone off to college and I am a trapped in a house full of women.
Gone…but forgotten
Gone…but forgotten
Seeing
him off was a miserable day. But
everyone handles change differently…
Peyton,
squeezing back the tears and hugging him tightly wailed, "I am going to miss
you! We will visit often!"
Avery,
sobbing uncontrollably cried, "I will send you care packages every
week. I promise!"
Jesse,
skipping merrily in circles… "Who gets your Xbox?? How about your
room? Can I have your room?"
Three
months later - there have been exactly zero inquiries about flying to Michigan
to see Jake. Cookies were baked… and then consumed (at home).
But the
room has been a source of controversy. The
closet is suddenly full of ladies garments and handbags – which I am pretty
sure aren’t his. Blush, lip stuff and eye
gunk are scattered across the bathroom counter (which I’m also pretty sure aren’t
his) and the police have checked in twice responding to unconfirmed reports of
squatting activity in the bedroom. No
one has come forth to claim responsibility but an entire community of stuffed
animals has now inhabited the place.
I am guessing
that Jake may notice some changes when he returns…
Co-eds versus pre-teens
Of
course, residing in a house dominated by women is not always a bad thing. Jake is contemplating the idea himself and recently
called to see how we would feel if he moved into an apartment with five girls next
year.
I pondered
this a bit. Then did what any father
would do when his son drops something like that on him. I “whooped” a few times, danced around with my
head in the air (picture Snoopy) while visualizing my son shacking up with a
bunch of college women, and then calmly told him that he is an adult capable of
making adult decisions.
Then
I danced some more…
All fun
and games until Shelly called me out as being a total chauvinist, “Um, let’s
think about this Jon…how do you plan to respond when Peyton comes home from
college and says that she is living with five boys?”
Peyton
has some audacity!!! Looks like commuter
college for her (she can stay in Jake’s room – ALONE).
Here’s
the thing…Jake has been saddled with much stricter rules growing up than his
sisters. Earlier curfews, unnecessary
hospital visits… you know, total first child stuff. It’s
really not right. The way I see it, having
a double standard around being a boy simply evens the scales a bit.
Boy or girl? …Just curious!
To bolster
the male population around here, Shelly decided to bring home Cooper, a 3 month
old rescue puppy. He doesn’t exactly
replace Jake – but they have similar mannerisms with respect to scratching
themselves.
Cooper
and Maggie have become such good friends they have gone into business together
- starting a medical practice.
Don’t
believe me? Come by some time for a free
“exam” (everyone that visits actually gets one)...
They
have an entire checklist and pride themselves on being meticulous. It
starts with a very welcome greeting at the door combined with a rigorous
hearing check. If you didn't arrive here deaf, expect to leave that way.
Then they
move quickly to the full body “gender verification” exam - using their proprietary olfactory process. Every person and every body part gets
rigorously analyzed. Twice.
Last
comes the massage “exchange” (and simultaneous obstacle course). First, they
give themselves a backrub by weaving between your legs. Then they lie in your path until you provide a
deep tissue belly massage. In exchange, they
(sometimes) agree not to trip you as you eventually make your way into the house.
The
entire process repeats upon exit.
“Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege…”
(Unknown)
Jake is
into shooting games. We couldn’t locate any zombies, so we did the next
best thing - we invited ourselves to spend a long weekend with some friends at
their hunting lodge.
The centerpiece
of the house is this epic trophy room full of stuffed game heads (deer,
antelope, mother-in-law...). Seeing this,
Jesse immediately insisted that I take her hunting.
Since
I am totally incompetent around guns or anything that is capable of blowing my off
my own foot, we decided to go out and bag ourselves a prize, armed with nothing
more than a 4-wheel ATV. A surprisingly dangerous instrument in the wrong hands…
After
exploring for less than 10 minutes, we set our sights on a 12 foot monstrosity
– as solid on the inside as it appeared on the outside. We took our ATV
and valiantly rammed headlong into the beast…but sadly, it hardly budged.
We budged,
though…
We
budged quite a bit (like 8 feet!).
In
the process, we learned a few valuable lessons.
1.
Successful
hunters prefer a chainsaw and rope when bringing down a telephone pole.
2.
I am not
just incompetent around guns (add motorized vehicles to the ever growing list).
3.
Small
girls bounce. Middle-aged men apparently do not.
Interesting
fact - the Binghamton hospital is centrally located and caters to all sorts of idiocy.
10,000 hours…
Thank
goodness Jake was around one last summer to coach Peyton. All day, every day, until he left for school
– just pushing her for hours at a time. Even
without Jake around, she practiced relentlessly.
And
her hard work was finally rewarded.
Varsity!! And a co-captain!! We were so proud.
She
had a thumb injury last year or she would have totally made it as a freshman.
When
the coach called us in 8th grade, we thought she was just blowing
smoke. But now colleges are emailing
about scholarships and recruiters from all of the big boys have approached her –
Facebook, Twitter...Even SnapChat. She is already contemplating going pro.
Yes -
a starter on the high school Texting team…a true accomplishment. Jesse and Avery are already spending hours a
day preparing for tryouts.
Anyway,
GTG…the girls just tweeted – two minutes to “Dance Moms”.
Peace. Love.
Unicorns.
The
David’s