All Work and No Play

 “This ‘adulting’ thing is great - but man is it stressful!”

- Jake barely one month into his career

Yep – Jake graduated college in April and is now officially nothing more than a labor statistic. Just another train-riding, chino-wearing, backpack carrying software developer for Capital One.

I joke, but the job actually sounds pretty sweet. And they certainly take far better care of him than we ever did. He’s got medical, dental, 401K match, paid vacation and discounts to sporting events. But more important than any of that…access to free food!! Lots and lots of free food. As a matter of fact, there was one month where he almost got by without spending a dime of his own money to eat.

It’s like he’s become me. But better!   

 

With the first one down, it got us to wondering about the likely vocational prospects of the others.  

Let’s start with Jesse. She’s the youngest but her career path is far and away the most clear cut. You can pretty much bank on it being a straight line between 8^th grade graduation and law school. Seriously - any profession that permits you (and actually pays you!) to have opinions, argue those opinions and then cut deals if your opinions aren’t strong enough, is an absolute dream job for her.

Case in point - planning her Bat Mitzvah party a few months back. Our initial “deal” was for a modest gathering. You know…a couple of family members and some of her closest friends.

Turns out that she somehow has 90 “closest” friends. 

Despite my objections, she quickly dispensed my arguments...hardly broke a sweat in the process. “Next time, JD, be more specific when stipulating numeric definitions in our contracts.” Lesson learned…”some” equals ninety.

At least she was true to her word on the number of family members that Shelly and I got to invite (“Sorry, JD. Sometimes life requires tough choices. You want grandma to come, then that first cousin of yours is off the list…”).

In the end, she crushed her service - and the two adults we invited seemed to enjoy the party.

Unfortunately, unlike Jess, Peyton’s career plans are in utter shambles right now. And after a year and a half at Wisconsin, she has far less time to get things figured out. “I’m just not feeling it yet, JD. I love it here – I just need to find a major that allows the world to capitalize on my expansive talents.”

She went to school committed to being a Marketing major but quickly changed her mind. “Man…what was I thinking? You guys in business are waaaay too boring.” So she hopped over to Communications. Then Journalism….Pre-Law, Sociology, 17^th Century Russian History…Nothing! Now she has gone in a completely different direction. Most recently she announced that the best use of her skills are as a ‘trophy wife.’ (“Why not? Mom makes it look so easy!”).

Actually, after spending the past year fervently writing for the school newspaper, she has become aware of all sorts of causes that “need her.” It’s not like she’s sending resumes to Greenpeace or anything but she definitely seems destined to lead some major social movement at some point.

Let’s just hope it’s not about advocating against the injustices of trophy wives.

So in summary…Jake’s career is “done” (just go with it, please), Jesse’s looks to be a “lock” and Peyton is in the process of “pivoting.” Avery’s long-term plans, however are a total crapshoot. Of all of our kids, I see her as the most likely to go off-script with her career. Wouldn’t surprise me if her future job title doesn’t even exist today.

The thing is, she has some pretty esoteric skills. First off, she is an incredible ‘people person.’ Rather – she was an incredible people person. Then she hit 16. Sad to see an 8-time winner of the coveted, “Sweetest Person in the Family” award, fall so far, so fast. Right now, she is barely clinging to sixth place in this year’s voting. I chalk it up to an age-thing. She’ll come back, though…Peyton almost did.

She also has this amazing ability to contort her face so that every selfie she takes exhibits a totally unique expression. That talent alone can net her millions as a YouTube star or blogger (“Six Steps to Tying Your Ears into a Palomar Knot” or “The Art of Folding Your Lower Lip Over Your Head”).

But there are definitely ways to combine her skills for the greater good. I am thinking, Social Media Therapist – kind of an AA support group for people that need help weaning themselves off of their phones (held via FaceTime, of course). Or maybe a special education teacher for technophobes. Really, I know so many people that would benefit from, “Beginner’s Snapchat – A Geriatrics Guide.”

Speaking of geriatrics…Shelly and I will be celebrating our 25^th anniversary next year. The bigger news, though, is that Shelly will also be turning 50! (As will I). And, despite her advanced age, Shelly is actually eligible for quite a few really cool benefits as soon as she crosses the half century milestone.

For instance, were you aware that AARP members get a 15% discount at Denny's? Jake doesn't get that deal - even with his fancy corporate perk package.  

I'm hoping that on slow nights at the restaurant, Avery can host her course on 'Texting while Ignoring' as we dine on delicious Salisbury Steaks. You are welcome to join us - dinner starts promptly  at 4:15pm!  

Happy Holidays!

JD, Shelly, Jake, Peyton Avery and Jesse

P.S. Any chance we keep that “trophy wife” comment about Shelly just between us? Otherwise, protecting me may become Peyton’s real cause.