December 2023

Making Lemons Out of Lemonade
By Hugh Jass, Staff Reporter

“Go ahead, Dad, tell him why the looooong face,” Avery quipped in response to my question. A comment that drew a grumble from JD, “Hilarious, Aves. Way to mock my pain!”

In a wide-ranging interview with the Davids – intended to chronicle what any observer would have considered a banner year for the family – I was stunned to walk into a room ablaze in patriarchal negativity. I pointed out that in 2023, Shelly and JD celebrated 30 extraordinary years of joy-filled marriage while witnessing their kids pile on one milestone after another (at least, that’s how JD termed it…Shelly merely rolled her eyes and left the room to do something productive).

Among their four children, there was a wedding, the purchase of a new home, a college graduation, and a couple of new jobs. They even managed to cut expenses and are now down to just a single child on their payroll. “Seriously, what’s not to love about a year like that??” I exclaimed, still in shock by the lack of paternal gratitude.

“Jowls,” JD whispered…staring into his hands with vapid eyes, clearly fighting off tears. “JOWLS!!

Sensing my confusion, Jake jumped in with, “Aaahhh – don’t mind him. The man’s face is getting saggy, and he won’t stop moaning about having jowls.” He then turned to JD and said, “Stop the blubbering, old man, they’re barely visible behind all of those wrinkles!” Jesse then chimed in (not so) helpfully, “Besides, with the gray hair and receding hairline, no one’s really paying attention to your face anyway!”

“Ahem!!” Peyton interrupted, “Um…me. Joe. Wedding!! Can we get back on track now?”

Yes, in an event only slightly less inevitable than another sequel of the Fast and Furious series, Peyton finally got hitched to her live-in beau, Joe. The wedding, held this past October near the couple’s home in beautiful Madison, Wisconsin, included thousands just over 100 people. Peyton was stunning in white as her parents walked her down the aisle to the introspective lyrics and melodic sounds of Tom Petty’s Wildflowers. The couple put the entire event together themselves, even sharing their own vows that had the guests laughing, crying, and even eliciting at least one “whoop” of delight (later determined to be Joe when Peyton said, “I do.”).

Shifting away from nuptial bliss, the spotlight made its way to a somewhat exhausted Jake. A software engineer, Jake mirthfully described his year as one immersed in troubleshooting. While he spent his days at work coding software, he spent his nights debugging an entire house! 

You see, in a decision that may end up being financially rewarding in the long run but ulcer-inducing in the short run, Jake purchased his first home. A nice ranch-style, 3-bedroom, in an up-and-coming area, well-located between downtown Denver and the Colorado hiking trails. A home so in need of love that it throws a tantrum every few days demanding yet another fix. According to Jake, “this little acquisition requires more attention than a father who found himself at home without kids for the first time in 28 years.” Yes, he was referring to JD – who is currently scarfing a pizza and griping about his ever-growing backside. Shelly, acknowledging JD’s plumping figure, even suggested that he and I swap names (you try getting through elementary school with a name like, “Hugh Jass!”).

Which brings us to the bravest, most tolerant member of the family, Avery. Avery graduated from Indiana University in May and unwittingly found herself surrounded by children 24 hours a day. To be clear – part of it was by choice. As an Elementary Education major, she fully intended to be a teacher. But she was immediately confronted with more childcare than she bargained for. 

After college, she landed a job as an assistant 4th grade teacher at a local private school – but then she made a major blunder – agreeing to move back home with her parents. Shelly, likely going out of her mind by this point having shared her abode with JD alone for an entire year, convinced Avery with promises of free meals, weekend shopping extravaganzas, and a bank account full of money saved from a rent-free existence. She somehow failed to mention that cohabitation also came at a cost. 

A hefty cost. 

Avery, sensing the awful turn her life might take if she didn’t find a way to sidestep an exceedingly needy parent, grabbed not one, but two soccer coaching gigs. And when that ended in mid-fall, she jumped on a role as an evening caregiver for a family with small children. As she put it, “I was about to take a part-time job in the portable toilet cleaning field when I stumbled on this opportunity. It’s refreshing to spend nights around some mature children for a change.”

Speaking of mature children, let me tell you about Jesse. A sophomore at the University of Wisconsin, Jesse is majoring in Consumer Behavior and Marketplace Studies – a fancy string of words that anyone over the age of 40 would have simply called 'Marketing' when they went to college. Jess has turned into a perfect blend of her parents. The relentless, somewhat anxiety-driven determination for good grades that she inherited from JD, combined with the skillful adeptness of a world class shopper that was drilled into her at a very young age by Shelly. She’s so good that when she makes a return, she has her dad convinced that she is actually making the family money. Weird, sure. But at least she got him to find the positive in something!

So…another year in the lives of the Davids; another cautionary tale of love not overcoming adversity. While I didn’t come away any wiser from my sit down with this family, I do have one little chestnut of advice to pass along. For those in need of a stocking stuffer for that over-the-hill, elder capable of seeing nothing but clouds among the silver linings, two words:  Grecian
Formula. 

For everyone else, the Davids wish you a wrinkle-free 2024 full of high fives, happy moments, and maybe a shot or two of Botox!