Pssst.
Hey, it’s me – Jesse. JD’s fifteen-year-old. Don’t say anything. I’ve hijacked
his annual letter. After 20 years, the thing was getting pretty tired. Definitely
time for some fresh blood.
Besides,
with Jake, Peyton, and Avery all out of the house now, I don’t have much else going
on anyway.
Really,
how hard can it be? These “holiday letters” as he calls them, seem to be mostly
fiction anyway. I know politicians less delusional than my dad. And given all
of the “Pinocchio-ing” he’s done at my expense over the last few years, it’s about
time that I set the record straight on a few things.
First
off, yes – I was technically the one behind the wheel when we rammed into the
telephone pole. But, to be fair, I was nine! Do you know what he
was doing while I was teaching myself to operate a thousand-pound vehicle?
That’s right. Sitting on the back screaming, “faster you wuss! FASTER!!!” WaaHOOO!!!”
Second,
any suggestion that they ever worried about my safety, is a complete fallacy.
Actually, as the fourth, it was quite the opposite. My parents pushed me hard
(see above). They were those parents you heard screaming stuff like,
“Get back up, you ninny!” from the sidelines.
That
was until recently, that is, when things abruptly changed. The shouts of “encouragement”
replaced with cries of hysteria. Emergency room trips for every little
concussion and semi-dislocated elbow. And then that was it…they just pulled the
plug on it all, declaring me, “just too clumsy for contact sports.”
But
why? Why the sudden concern? Why the lifetime ban on soccer??
Things
started to fall into place once Avery escaped for college. That’s when I
started hearing the constant hum of sniffles and incoherent blubbering
emanating from their bedroom. All along the lines of, “They’re gone. I CAN’T
BELIEVE THEY’RE ALL GONE!!”
And
then it dawned on me. They’re not worried about my health; they’re worried
about parental obsolescence! The sudden realization that they are no longer
needed has hit them hard. And with no one else around, I’m the one that has to
suffer the consequences.
I
can’t even walk by without one of them smothering me in hugs and splattering
emotions all over me.
Empty
nesting won’t be kind to those two in a few years. But really, what did they
expect would happen? Doesn’t matter how good the Boss Lady’s food is, you can
only tolerate so many dad jokes and noxious bodily fumes before you just need
to run. So, one by one, they all ran.
I’d
love to give you an update on what’s happening with my siblings – but I really
only have fragments of information to work with. Sadly, our communication with
them has become intermittent at best.
Jake
is officially MIA. He’s been out of college and self-sufficient for a couple of
years now. No way they’ll ever find him unless he wants to be found. Last I
heard, he gave up social media, grew a beard and lives somewhere outside of
D.C. A cousin’s neighbor’s girlfriend heard that he’s still doing technology
stuff at Capital One and regularly goes bouldering to stay in shape. Peyton is still on the payroll – but she’s probably gone soon, too, once she graduates from Wisconsin next May. She texted me once – something about getting a tattoo, a nose ring, and a cat – but not to say anything (about the cat, that is – mom is a dog person, after all). She is currently Chairman of the Board at The Badger Herald, the student newspaper, and still writes occasional articles. She also spends a lot of her time focused on social justice issues and recently won a fellowship to develop a program that teaches journalism skills to youth experiencing homelessness as an avenue for self-advocacy. I may need her more than she knows if things don’t change around here soon.
Avery
and I still talk on occasion. She’s studying Education at Indiana – my parent’s
alma mater. Pretty sure she was coerced into that decision. I heard the Boss Lady mutter how tired she was of watching the other Big 10 schools take her kids (Jake went to Michigan). Not sure why she is complaining – at least they all chose state schools (of course, none of those states are New York).
Actually,
all-in-all, IU has been a perfect fit. Mom’s always reminding us of how much
more fun life was when she was living worry-free in college, so she visits Avery
like every weekend now. And JD seems to talk with Avery more now than ever.
Says she lets him help her with homework. Makes him feel needed or something, and
gives her more time to work on improving her social media skills. Win-win!
Overall,
being on my own has been an interesting adjustment. Not sure it’s for everyone,
though. So, I put together a little quiz for anyone curious how they would fare
if ever put in my situation. Give it a shot:
a. Rotating rooms every night in order to sleep in a bed that is always made.
b. All of the above
2). What is the
first thing you do with your older siblings when they come home to visit?
a. Have them help you with your Beer Pong mechanics. b. Go driving on the highway to prepare for Driver’s Ed next summer.
c. See who can manipulate your parents into giving you whatever you want the fastest. It’s laughable how easy it is when you’re on your own.
3). The right
thing to do when you finish the roll of toilet paper is:
a. Walk all the way downstairs to replace it. b. Use Kleenex and cotton balls until you finish the boxes and then just start rotating bathrooms until mom finally gets around to doing her job.
c. Hold it at home and just go when you are at school.
4). When is the
best time for a parent to contact their kid that no longer lives at home?
a. Early Sunday morning since you know you won’t be interrupting them in class or at work. b. Saturday evenings – they will probably welcome the break from studying.
c. FaceTime them anytime they are at a party because, “if the people you are hanging out with aren’t interested in ‘meeting’ your parents, they probably aren’t your real friends anyway.”
5). What is the most
effective way to torture your dad – just for kicks?
a. Tell him you will help “in one second.” And then just go back to watching Netflix. b. Offer to keep Maggie and Cooper quiet while he is on an important call and then keep whispering the UPS guy’s name in their ears to see who can howl the loudest.
c. Catch him singing in the car and then plaster the video all over Instagram. Add it to Tik Tok if you are feeling particularly saucy.
Well, that’s all I’ve got for you. I
think I will see if I can guilt them into doing some early college campus
visits. I hear the University of Hawaii is nice this time of year (and…it’s a
state school!).
Happy 2020!
Jesse (and Shelly, JD, Jake, Peyton & Avery)